Oscars I Would Give Out If I Could
We did it, folks! Comedy and genre filmmaking finally got the credit they deserve at the Oscars. Everything Everywhere All At Once pulled off an historic win that feels like it could shake up the landscape of awards season forever, even though it’s got one of the most insufferable, extremely online fanbases this side of Rick and Morty. It is a landmark achievement – and not just for people (like me) who also think it’s one of the greatest movies of all time, either!
This win cements EEAAO as part of the cinematic canon. Decades from now, kids at film schools all over the world will watch this and go “huh? People liked that?” the same way my Cinema Aesthetics classmates and I did when our professor screened Lawrence of Arabia.
I am not a member of the Academy, so I am not bound by their stupid rules. And as someone with a mildly successful podcast about movies (that’s coming to an end this week) and an active Letterboxd account, it is my solemn duty to tell you where AMPAS got it wrong. But not with some lame hand-wringing about snubs, no no! These, friends, are some categories I wish existed, and the winners of said categories. Let’s show them the respect they deserve.
Best Use Of "BWAAAAAMP" – All Quiet on the Western Front
I'm a sucker for a BWAAAAAMP. You know, the synthetic horn sound that entered the public consciousness with the Inception trailer and never left? As soon as I hear a BWAAAAAMP in a movie I point like Leonardo DiCaprio in Once Upon A Time in Hollywood.
Clearly, Hans Zimmer walked so Volker Bertelmann could BWAAAAAMP at full speed with his BWAAAAAMP-y score for All Quiet on the Western Front. It's the new cinematic tradition: you wanna make a point? BWAAAAAMP it up!
Best Extremely Inside Joke – The Menu
I work on food shows, so I had a feeling I was going to like The Menu. But when I saw it opening weekend at a six-screen AMC in Asheville, North Carolina, I was the only person cackling like a tickled witch at one very specific set of jokes: the beauties.
In food TV, one of the most important shots is the "beauty" – the cinematic equivalent of a magazine spread. The shot that makes your mouth water. And every time they did a beauty shot with a chyron that labeled the dish itself, I went from going "ahh yes that's good!" to losing my fucking mind at Tyler’s Bullshit. And even though the Very Good Cheeseburger ruined the ending for me, I think the bullseyes hit by the beauties really sealed the deal for my specific cinematic tastes. (Look, more food references!)
Best Non-Caricatured Portrayal Of Texas – Vengeance
As someone who grew up in Texas, I'm always skittish when I see Texas on screen. I know what everyone thinks of Texas and Texans. We're dummies with thick accents! Backwards ideas and barbecue, y'all! But what I loved about the slow-burn comedic thriller Vengeance was the humanity with which it treated its Texan subjects. Yes, they own a bunch of guns and eat Whataburger multiple times like it's a fucking delicacy. But you know what? It is! Why else do I make sure I get at least one Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit every time I go visit my family?
Thank you, B.J. Novak, for going beyond the lowest common denominator on your trip to the rodeo, the oil fields, and, yes, to Whataburger.
Best Use of Yacht Rock – Ambulance
Did I ever think I'd like a Michael Bay movie as much as I liked Ambulance? Absolutely not. Did having a classic batshit insane Jake Gyllenhaal performance help? Absolutely yes. But Ambulance is more than just one of the best movies I watched on a plane last year. It’s the reason I had “Sailing” by Christopher Cross stuck in my head for six months.
The incredible scene where Jakey G.'s frenetic loose cannon finally convinces Yahya Abdul-Mateen II's reluctant "in it for one last job" criminal to cut loose by sharing AirPods during a car chase almost made me squeal with delight in my middle seat. I’ve been on the beach in my mind ever since.
(By the way, how did Mad Max: Fury Road get miles of critical acclaim for being a movie that's one long car chase and Ambulance get diddly-squat? Hollywood hypocrisy at its finest!)
Most Misunderstood Movie – Women Talking
I think there are a ton of moviegoers out there who expected this to be a woke-for-woke's-sake drag, a critique of the patriarchy that felt, as one friend of mine put it, like a 30 Rock joke come to life. There’s a reason Sarah Polley joked in her Best Adapted Screenplay acceptance speech last night, "I’d just like to thank the Academy for not being mortally offended by the words ‘women’ and ‘talking’ so close together like that." But as someone who watched this movie Sunday morning out of a selfish desire to watch all the Best Picture nominees before the ceremony for the first time in a long time, I can tell you firsthand that it is so much more than how the title makes it sound. This is a film about forgiveness, retribution, and growth. It is a film that hides a deep pool of humanity under a surface that seems engineered to provide boring, topical Oscar bait. AND YET! It succeeds through incredible performances, snappy writing, and assured direction to push it over the finish line. Go stream it, you won’t regret it!
Best Performance In A Bad Movie – Regina Hall, Honk For Jesus. Save Your Soul. / Christian Bale, Amsterdam
In a movie that was made out to be a church-skewering satire, and instead turned out to be a largely laughless comedy, Regina Hall actually played it straight and gave one of the best performances I saw this year as the put-upon wife of Sterling K. Brown's closeted prosperity gospel-exploiting evangelical pastor. And speaking of guys who professionally use their middle initial: David O. Russell’s Amsterdam was a preachy mess! But Christian Bale brought his A-game to a D-movie and remained watchable and compelling throughout.
Best Performance That Had No Shot Of Getting Nominated For An Actual Oscar – Dakota Johnson, Cha Cha Real Smooth / Justin Long, Barbarian
Cha Cha Real Smooth didn’t capture the feel-good vote the same way CODA did a year ago, which meant that Dakota Johnson’s performance as a Manic Pixie Dream Mom who helps a wayward college grad figure out that trying to break up a marriage is not the good idea it appears to be also did not capture the hearts and minds of everyone who sprung for an Apple TV Plus membership.
Barbarian, Zach Cregger’s September surprise, provided ample supporting evidence that people who are great at making comedy are also great at making horror. And Justin Long’s heel turn as an actor whose #MeToo allegation winds up being the least of his problems was, simply, remarkable.
If you still haven’t seen either of these films, get on it!
Best Movie That Somehow Got Zero Oscar Nominations (tie) – Nope / The Northman
Two great movies from two very different directors that were, unfortunately, overshadowed by the early-calendar juggernauts of EEAAO and Top Gun: Maverick. Incredibly, neither of these movies got a single nomination in the craft categories. And you know what? That's fine. Plenty of great movies never get nominated for Oscars. (Don't get me started on Spring Breakers. Actually, feel free to get me started on Spring Breakers!)
Best Picture That Actually Saved The Movies – Jackass Forever
Commentators and industry pundits went on and on about how Top Gun: Maverick and Avatar: The Way of Water both saved the movies. “Nobody would be going to theaters without these landmark sequels!” they screeched from the digital rooftops. “The box office numbers speak for themselves!” they shouted with glee at every possible opportunity. And, yes, Top Gun: Maverick is an actually very good movie, and Avatar: The Way of Water is respectable low-hanging blue fruit that was (of course) going to recoup its budget.
But, truly, no movie brought me more unbridled joy than a little documentary about the power of friendship called Jackass Forever. There hasn’t been a Jackass in theaters since the similarly impressive Jackass 3D, and a movie that passes the torch to a new generation of comedy stuntmen created frothing-at-the-mouth excitement for me and my friends. On February 4th, long before Maverick gave us IMAX-induced motion sickness and Avatar drowned us in rewarmed tropes, Jackass Forever brought us together to watch a bunch of idiots hurt themselves for our entertainment. That, folks, is the power of cinema.