How To Be Happy For Your Friends
One of my favorite metaphorical representations of meditation is the mind as a river. The water flows. Sometimes leaves drop in, or fish swim by, or rocks get picked up by the current and tumble through, kicking up silt and debris. And you don't have to shield your mind's eye from those distractions. You are allowed – encouraged, even! – to notice them. Then the water clears up, the river continues to flow, and you’re still sat on the bank, softly focused.
These past few mornings, I have been staring into a dirty-ass river. The fear, anger, sorrow, and discontent factories are dumping a lot of garbage in there right now. The Netflix Is A Joke festival is in full swing, which means I literally can’t avoid seeing reminders all over the city about friends, peers, and colleagues who have what I want. Social media has become such a minefield of pictures of people on lineups and at afterparties and getting the VIP treatment at the Tom Brady roast that I breathe a sigh of relief every time I see another Drake/Kendrick beef breakdown. But the nice thing about having a meditation practice1 is that it lets me know what to do with the trash.
A common refrain in 12-step recovery is “keep your side of the street clean.” Depending on the particular kind of anonymous person you are, folks with time might suggest to “keep the focus on yourself” or “take inventory and find your part” or “put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.” The way I see it, this means don’t be the one dumping toxic sludge into the river.
“But Jay!” I hear you ask. “What if the barrel of nuclear waste is sitting right there, and I could just kick it in the water and be done with it?” Well, first of all, thank you for continuing to run with my metaphor. But more importantly: there are other ways to dispose of that shit than letting it leak into your brain for hours/days/weeks/months/years.
WAY #1: giving myself permission to feel the feelings, without hoarding the feelings.
Talking to some trusted friends and confidants is hugely helpful and gets the job done just fine. I don’t need to go taking trash and collecting it to make a Charlie Kelly-style web about how Pepe Silvia is preventing me from achieving my dreams. If I am bothered by what people are posting on social media, the mute button is right there. Or, better yet, my phone doesn’t have to be in my grubby little hands. I don’t need to get sucked into the rabbit hole of dumbing down and numbing out. I don’t need to build the case for a resentment.
As I am reminded often by every other artist and entertainer in recovery: I chose to lead this life. I don’t have to play the game, but I keep putting quarters in the machine. Sometimes, as a fellow once reminded me, it will not be a day for the home team. But I don’t need to take my feelings out on the game itself, or the other players. Maybe, if I’m paying close enough attention, I’ll discover the best way for me to get to the next level.
WAY #2: focusing on what’s here, now.
A lot of people have been asking me lately how my comedy game show has been going, and it’s always nice to be able to legitimately tell them, “great!” I’ve got a show Saturday in Chicago and another show back in LA next week. If I was thinking ten steps ahead instead of two steps ahead, then I would totally lose sight of having to make sure these next shows are absolute bangers.
Whenever I get FOMO, I try to think about what I was doing that night or day instead. Nine and a half times out of ten, it was something I was happy to be doing, and the other half-of-a-time it was because I had some prior obligation that kept me from being at the thing I missed anyway! I would much rather be passionate and present than keeping my head on an emotional swivel like a palmer at a Hollywood party.
My AA sponsor gave me a prayer that I use often: “please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be.” My Al-Anon sponsor gave me a prayer that I use equally as often: “please help me want what I have.”
WAY #3: caring about my friends and showing them love.
Yes, I know it’s corny to care about things. Giving a shit is embarrassing. But I would rather be my uncool self than the ironically detached, isolated version of myself that my trash-filled brain tries to turn me into.
That’s why last night I texted my closest friends in the writers’ room for the roast and congratulated them on their incredible work coming to life. That’s why I share bits from comics I love and admire to my Instagram stories. That’s why I send words of encouragement to my friends who get what I want. Because, as much as I hate to admit it, happiness is a choice, and it becomes easier to feel the more I choose to feel it.
WAY #4: remembering that I my path is no one else’s.
Years ago, when I was still a door guy at the Comedy Store, Leslie Jones was holding court in the back. She gave a piece of advice I will never forget: “comedy is about pickaxing away at yourself and finding the material that’s in there already.”2
At the end of the day I have to be okay with being the comic, writer, and human being I am. I can't wish to be someone else and magically assume someone will turn me into that person with a snap of their fingers.
Here's some unsolicited advice:
It’s okay to not be for everyone.
It’s okay to get rejected from things.
It’s okay to scoff at the people you see who have not been rejected from those things saying "don't complain! Just keep pushing!"
It's okay for you to feel some type of way so that way you can let the feelings move on instead of letting all of that shit calcify inside of you until the only way you feel is lonely and aggrieved.
It’s okay to cut your own path, to bring a machete with you and find your own way through the shit and underbrush.
It’s okay if you don’t have a machete yet. Your hands are good enough. They can pull weeds and move branches aside. One day, if you’re on the lookout, you’ll find the tools you need.
To those of you who also grumble whenever they see that stupid “you can’t spell laugh without LA and ugh” tagline: I feel you. I hope you feel you, too, and I hope you can find ways to keep your side of the street clean. It’ll make the work easier if all your own bullshit is out of the way.
And to those of you who want what I have: I’m proud of you. I’m happy for you. Keep up the good work.
and a program of recovery that got me to pick up said practice, but that’s a topic for a different newsletter
I don’t go back to that as often as the prayers from my sponsors, but I do go back to it regularly.