On Playing It Cool
The Gratitude List #32
I've inadvertently stacked my life with a quartet of anniversaries stretching from the summer into the fall, which, in LA, is just more of the summer. My anniversary with DG was July 13th, my natal birthday is August 15th, my sober birthday is September 10th, and my comedy anniversary is October 10th. By November, it will finally be cold again, and I will (hopefully) be out of the hyper-self-aware woods. This year feels momentous: I’ve just been married for a year, am about to be 35 years old, about to have 10 years of sobriety under my belt, and about to be celebrating 15 years in comedy. All these dates and stretches of time feel like actual milestones, most of them because they're longer numbers and multiples of five, all of them because it feels like a threshold is being crossed.
I often get asked if I get nervous before I go on stage any more, and the answer is no, not really. “I don’t feel nervous so much as I feel the anticipation of performing,” is a version of an answer I give, paraphrasing something I heard another comic say that accurately described how I feel. Lately, I’ve been taking note of the more heightened reactions my body has to various comedy-adjacent situations. My emotional check engine light has definitely switched on. For instance: I can tell how much I care about a spot going well by how fast and heavy my heart starts beating before I go on stage. If it’s thumping like a kick drum, there’s someone here I want to impress. If it feels like I’m a cartoon wolf seeing a hot lady singing at a jazz nightclub, then my brain is about to tell me this set is make-or-break.
When I listen back to the sets where I feel like this in the moments before going on stage, I can tell whether or not I’m leaning in to the feeling or trying to tamp it down. I cringe during the sets where it’s obvious to me that I have chosen to try and play it cool. This is not only something I’ve historically never been good at, but is something I don’t even like doing any more! And believe me, I tried for years to play it cool. Turns out it’s just not my mode. I’m not cool. My main mode of existence is fidgety and exuberant.
I'm at an open mic at a honky tonk in Medford, Oregon, where I’m told I can do 15-20 minutes and get paid for my time. As soon as I arrive there’s a table of drunk women being kicked out by the bartender, shouting at the comics who are just trying to run their premises, sifting through the dirt and hoping to find a little gold.
I’m not unfamiliar with rooms like this, that really doesn’t feel right for comedy: overlit, cavernous, full of neon signs and actively-used pool tables. Theoretically, none of this shit fazes me. Then, I notice my heart is beating a little heavy. So I acknowledge to myself that yes, I do want to do well, to turn the room around not just for these poor 20 audience members, but to prove that I can do it, that I’m not just some big-city fuckup. Then I go on stage, I do my set, I turn the room around. I get big laughs. I draw a couple people off the pool tables and to a table by the stage. I ride the bull of this room without pretending it’s easy. I thank the crowd, get off stage, thank the host, then leave.
I'm listening to Marc Maron on Howie Mandel's podcast the other night,1 and Howie says something about how comedy is one of the only things that he does that forces him to be in the moment. Sometimes, I think that too, how being on stage helps me channel my restless, ping-ponging brain into one focused act. But now, even in my everyday life, I’m working on becoming more aware of the ways in which I crank up my anxiety. I find myself watching YouTube videos that raise my temperature then think "wow, is this the moment I want to be in?” and switch back to an audiobook, music, or if I really want to ride the lightning, silence. I see ads that go "replace doomscrolling with micro-learning" and I think "actually that sounds quite nice," though I will never sign up for another dumbass subscription.
Right now, with one notable date down and three more to go, I'm thinking about legacy and output and shooting for the moon and landing among the stars, because of course I am. But I’m also thinking about how maybe being great is easier when I feel good, and how I feel better when I’m not trying to pretend I’m not feeling anything at all.
THINGS I’M GLAD I SAW THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS
WEAPONS
My favorite movie of the year so far. Maybe watch this trailer if you haven’t seen it already and need to gauge how scared you might be, but otherwise go in blind. Zach Cregger is crushing the comedy-to-horror switch, full stop.
MARC MARON: PANICKED
You may have seen some clips from his scorched-earth podcast tour, but make sure to take the time to watch Maron’s new special in full. He is firing on all cylinders, switching from searing commentary to touching self-reflection with a master’s confidence, and without dropping a single laugh in transition.
THE GRAB-AND-GO BREAKFAST SANDWICH AT SCREEN DOOR IN THE PORTLAND, OREGON AIRPORT
I have been skittish on airport food since getting food poisoning back in February, but I was flagging on a layover and needed to give myself a boost, so I stopped at this Southern food restaurant by my gate with a to-go counter. The breakfast sandwich immediately caught my eye, and shortly thereafter, filled my stomach. Homemade pork breakfast sausage, a hashbrown patty, a fried egg, American cheese, and piquant comeback sauce all in a melty, just-greasy-enough marriage that took me back to mornings in North Carolina, hung over or not, just wanting some comfort food. Boy, was I ever comforted.2
REN FAIRE
I watched this on a whim because Alaska Airlines had it on their in-flight entertainment, and holy Moses I was captivated. It’s Succession with a hornier patriarch and a bunch of renaissance fair lifers instead of media mogul failchildren, and it’s a goddamn documentary!!! Remarkable that these people exist! Gaze upon them!
THE NAKED GUN
Another movie you must see in theaters if you can. So funny, so dumb, so confusing to watch three teenagers walk out of this like it wasn’t the highlight of their summer. Do you have no joy in your life, teens at the Americana at Brand? Do you have no sense of silliness or whimsy? You didn’t even catch the snowman part!
A BRIEF DISPATCH FROM RECOVERYLAND
Went to some meetings for the first time last week – one in LA, one in Oregon. Always a pleasure to see what a meeting’s like for the first time, to see what the regulars are like, to hear what I need to hear, even in unfamiliar territory.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
This week, you can find me:
doing shows in LA, Dallas, and San Diego (where I’ll be headlining!) - full show calendar is here
getting ready to announce some fall and winter dates for WRONG!, so make sure you’re all caught up on our latest episodes:
Until next time, friends. Thanks for reading, I’m glad you’re here!
a great episode, by the way, maybe the best in Maron’s current guns-blazing run of promo and podcast appearances
and my wallet was too – only $12! This would’ve cost $20 in LA!